trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
