why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
