I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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