you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
