Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Damn victory sex feels great
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
