I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
