so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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