I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
