literally had 100 drinks last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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