she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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