I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
