tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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