Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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