I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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