thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who died my cat blue again?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
