i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
