I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
