I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Two words: blizzard sex
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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