Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he was CRYING into my vagina
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
