There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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