It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
