he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
