forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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