Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
