I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
