Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
FUCK WHALES
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
