maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How's work?
Spinning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
