From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
