Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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