i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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