The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
