i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
