wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
