my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hippo gnu deer
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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