3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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