I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
