i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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