Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
