Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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