hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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