I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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