yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
