Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
