and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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