I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
