Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
