Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Girls should come with a carfax report
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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