Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Randomize
