it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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