I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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